From a few years ago:

And we sold the Big Guy’s car… not a big deal since it needed much more work than it was worth. The dealer bought it and knew, said they could fix much cheaper than we could…and it’s gone; no more worries it will burst into flames. Yes, we told the dealer we were worried about that gas smell, etc.

But it’s the car we bought right after my mom died. I remember so clearly how very cold it was when we bought the car…how can a car trigger this memory? I remember it was the six months of sunglasses and compartmentalizing grief: teach, smile, laugh…. head out with sunglasses and cry the entire way home. Stay in bed whenever possible. I hid this well. My colleagues told me they had no idea, since I was cheerful at work.

I remember sitting in a Chinese buffet feeling so strange that my mom would not see this new red car; she loved the color red. I remember feeling so cold,so very cold.

My mother is not a car, this is just a memory, and this car sale triggered the memory of that first six months of active grief and the compartmentalizing I was able to do. I remember the poetry that came out of that time about divorces, losses, etc. all ways to deal with loss without having to name it, the death of my much loved mother.

It is so strange to be without parents. Since then, we have lost my husband’s father. The death of friends has stopped now for a while. It was at the tale end of losing so many friends and loved ones, just a streak of bad luck.

I feel I am much out of that time, much better able to feel joy. It’s been a decade, and I can only wonder how people cope with tragic losses. I had much to help me such as a career and a loving spouse.

But to the red car gone now, the smoky one, you were a link to that time and now you are gone. I try not to hold onto things for sentimental reasons. I even tossed more than forty writing journals when we moved and know it’s time to purge and clean up the place to reclaim space.

It’s interesting how moments can trigger memories. So clearly. Sitting in that Chinese buffet with a new red car in the parking lot, wondering if I would ever feel warm again.

Thanks for reading.