Sadsweetness (from several years ago)

The birds return, cardinals calling male to female to male. Morning doves cooing. The ratcheting call of red-winged blackbirds.

For so long, I lived by a busy train station and the “Ring! Ring! Ring! Rattle! Rattle! Rattle!” was the call I heard. That and the blaring of train horns as they passed. The actual shaking of the building. The sound of traffic.

Were the birds there all along, but I just didn’t hear them? I couldn’t hear them with all that train noise. How did the trains invade my dreams, I wonder.

A lovely time of year–cool/warm, sunny, no mosquitoes yet.

So much new life.

And I can hear it now, for the first time in a long time.

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As a child, I grew up with a huge prairie/ field/ swamp behind the house. I could see sunsets every night, for the backyard faced west.

It was glorious, one of the best parts of growing up. I am sure I damaged my eyesight staring at the setting sun–but it was an obsession.

But it has been many years since I’ve been this close to nature, and I am reveling in this change, anxious to get home each day and see the birds, the trees, the branches—buds yet? To hear, see, smell and touch nature.


Life is not all one thing, not all sweet. A family member is gravely ill and has gone in to palliative care, perhaps hospice soon. End of life care. She is sad, scared, in pain. And very much alone, having alienated many.

The beginning of life. The end of life. Both important, both are certain. I try to remember it’s what we do with the precious time we have that is important, to notice the beauty, to embrace the love.

To live.

The bitter and the sweet—we need both to be truly alive. One helps keep us going while one is certainly sad but surely a part of life.

Sadsweet should be a new word. Or sweetsadness.

Sweetsadness. Yes, that’s it. That’s my new word to describe what I am feeling now. Wishing my loved one strength, grace under pressure, even while I surely know it is right to still embrace my own life.

Postscript: From ten years ago. And my loved one has passed on back in October a few years ago. She was not alone. She did reconnect with her most loved ones, and I’m so glad for that.